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Being attracted to the
same sex was just as normal and natural to me as it was for a man and woman
to be attracted to each other. I did not want to be drawn to the same sex,
in fact, I do not think anybody feels elated with the discovery of their
homosexual feelings, but for me it was all I had ever known.
I tried really hard to be a
heterosexual. I dated and thought if only I would get married, have 2.5
children and live in a house with a white picket fence, then that would
“cure” my homosexual desires.
My conversation with God went
something like this: God, I am trying to be something I am not. If
homosexuality is really wrong, then please take these intense desires away
from me!!! Please, in my heart of hearts, I do not want to be gay, but this
is all I have ever known and it feels so right! Why God? Why me? I cannot
tell anybody about this struggle! I can’t! I have heard friends and family
members saying “those people are sick” and I am one of those people! Why
won’t you help me? Am I sick? God, I am so afraid of being rejected. I
just cannot tell anyone. I can’t! End of conversation.
I went off to college still
pleading with God to free me. Finally I’d had it! I told God if he was not
going to heal me, then I must have been born this way, and I just could not
and would not fight these desires anymore!! God, take a hike! Hence, I had
my first homosexual experience my Sophomore year in college. What a
relief!! I felt loved, secure, and connected. I could breathe again.
Yea!! I must have been born this way. It felt so right. So, for the next
10 to 12 years, I lived secretly in same sex relationships.
Now, remember, at one point I had God and no
relationship and had NO PEACE. Now I had a relationship and no God, and
guess what– NO PEACE. Somehow I needed to bring the two together. As long
as God was first in my life and I could back up my homosexuality with the
Bible, then I would embrace my sexuality and be at peace.
So I started searching. I
talked with people who seemed content with God and their homosexuality. I
went to several gay churches and to my disappointment, they seemed to
worship their sexuality and the right to love who they wanted to more than
God. I really did not want to give up my homosexuality. I wanted it to be
right.
I then started going to
a Christian counselor and he told me about a group called Exodus
International where people had actually found freedom from homosexuality.
(Now freedom does not mean they were all married, but they were no longer in
bondage and controlled by their sexuality.) You mean I was not born this
way! Then where did these intense homosexual desires come from?
My search to make my sexuality
right led me to Virginia Beach and a program called Living Waters. Going
through this program took me back to many childhood memories – way back–
(no wonder I had felt this way at such an early age) and I began to get in
touch with very deep and painful emotional wounds. The Lord began to reveal
the lies I had bought into and why I was reacting the way I did. This was
and is an extremely painful yet freeing process.
Because I had such a hard time
wanting to walk out of the lifestyle, I would pray Philippians 2:13 “ for it
is God who works in me to will and to act according to his good purpose.”
God, please give me the desire to want to walk away, and then give me the
strength to do so. When I finally swallowed my pride and decided to bring
my struggle into the light, I found a personal relationship with Jesus
Christ along with a lot of supportive, loving friends who have helped me
heal and kept me accountable. My identity is now found in Jesus Christ, and
no longer in that one person. Who I am does not depend on who I am with.
You see, I had made my need to be loved my god, instead of allowing God to
be my love. What a difference! God is love, not love is God.
Sin is sin. What sin are you a slave to? There
is freedom this side of heaven. Romans 8:37 says, “No, in all these things
we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” You cannot set
yourself free. God’s truth and his love will set the captive free! I used
to think people could not change, but I am living proof. Is change easy?
Absolutely not!! In fact, walking out and staying out of my sin has been
the hardest and most painful experience of my life, but worth every tear I
have shed. I would not trade the joy, freedom and relationship with my
Jesus for anything. I am no longer a slave to my sexuality. I Corinthians
6:11 says, “And that is what some of you WERE. But you were washed, and you
were sanctified, and you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus
Christ...” Amen.
Praise the Lord for giving me the desire,
strength, and courage to walk away.
To God be all the glory!
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